going deeper

When we sit and waste the hours away, I think it’s such a fools game. Life seemingly slips right through our fingers, and we barely question why or how? So, it becomes a real challenge to remain intentional about how time is spent, or what is prioritized. 

I know that swimming is important to me. Now, it speaks to me and delivers confidence because I am pushing new limits and discovering the fun of it for myself. There is no pressure to swim anymore. There are no competitions. I show up if I want to, and I show up for however long I want to. I have intentions for swimming. 

Today, I only wanted to swim a 250 yard distance in the afternoon. I did it, and then I did it again. I followed that with two 200 yard swims. These long swims felt good, and I realized something – that when I focus on something, and breathe, and let go of the expectation or outcome, I can be successful at it. It felt great. It felt like time well spent. 

Pretty much anything that I do, that I have planned for myself is time well spent. I strive to cultivate this intentionality across all aspects of my life, especially when it comes to reading and writing. Recently, I have been reading portions of a book that I may buy for myself, but I have also been bouncing around between different books. Reading opens new creative pathways for me, and I enjoy reading George Tannenbaum’s blog as well. 

George mentioned the importance of consistency with a thing such as writing. That there are times when your writing flows like rivers, and it is so beautiful, accessible, intricate, and there are times when it is not so. But it’s not about writing beautifully all of the time, it’s only about writing all of the time. In this way, you tilt the odds in your favor that you may one day write something worth reading. 

Anyway, with reading, with swimming, with writing, I have showed up. I have taken whatever has been given to me when I show up. Sometimes I read and become lost in a book, and other days I get through one or two pages before I shut down the kindle and turn in to bed. With writing, sometimes I’ll write 1,000 words about whatever has been going on in my mind. Sometimes I’ll write a poem, or several. Sometimes it’s just a recap of my week. And with swimming, we see the whole gamut. I could swim 4×25’s or 200’s like today. I could care less as long as I am showing up to the pool.

And do you know what I realized? More important than what I am doing is that other things matter to me very little now. How much I lift is inconsequential. I don’t care about basketball, or youtube, or Netflix. I care that I can show up to the things that matter. 

Change is slow. It’s very gradual. It requires a lot of patience. But the patience needed is just as much with the process, as it is with the results. Results DO NOT matter! A phrase that should be etched into every thing we see. In a world that praises championship culture, there is something far more valuable underneath the surface. But you have to dig deep inside of you to discover it. Results do not matter. Impressing others does not matter. 

the things I don’t do, sorry

People ask me where I am from, and I say New York City. Then we start talking about the bars in Gulfport, and how the woman at Ocean Springs are much prettier than the ones here. So, if I like to go out, I should go to that bar. I’ll have fun, and that’s where everyone goes. It may get expensive there, so maybe have a few drinks at this other place, and then you head there. We talk longer, me listening intently and with nothing to add. It’s like a black hole of disinterest with me. Even the younger guys express their excitement – do they card there? 

But there is nothing about this scenario that draws my attention. After some silence, I say that I’m not really a drinker. What I mean by this is that I never drink alcohol. I used to, there was a time, but it was posing and drinking to fit in. There is a lot less fitting in that I have to do now. I’ve reached the conclusion that it is impossible for me to fit in, and I no longer try. As for the women, pretty or not, it’s not really my interest. I would rather talk about books, or swimming – actually, not even those things. Those are things I would rather be doing – reading and swimming. 

In truth, there is little for me outside of the gates. There is little for me outside of my inner world. Inside of me I see stars, galaxies, inhabited with life and character’s so rich and interesting. In my imagination, I house tennants from all over the world. Some live in jam packed quarters with their large families. Others struggle with insomnia, they suffer through sleepless nights and loneliness. I know writers, I know plumbers, I know teachers, I know the homeless. These characters exist in my mind, and they all have their personalities. 

In due time, they will take form and become one with the world I live in. But time must run its course. Time takes time too. Today, I thought about how happy I am to be writing every day. Even though it is a challenge for me to come up with ideas, I make efforts to write and share what is on my mind. I used to struggle with this, I found it hard because I thought I had nothing to say. But I have so much to share, about myself, about life, about the world. 

I told myself that I wanted to write more about peace. Peace is a calm you enjoy, but it does not magically appear. It may appear in waves or float to you like a glass bottle in the sea with a little paper inside of it. It rides the ebbs and flows so that sometimes you see it, you feel it, you can carry it with you and other times it goes just out of reach. But if peace is worth having, it must exist as that elusive, illusory ideal. 

I am anxious again – I want to move on my own time. I want to control people so that they think in a manner that fits in with my safe world. This is not peaceful. But I am beginning to stress because I planned a schedule and now I am falling behind. I don’t like to be late. Am I unique for this? It sure seems like it, like being late doesn’t matter to anyone else. At least it doesn’t matter as much to anyone else. But this is not peaceful. 

For all that I have read on peace, loving, and acceptance, it’s the application of these principles that I struggle with the most. How can you be peaceful, when you’re taught to live with angst? Do I suddenly let go – because it sounds easy to say yes to that. 

Surrender from what?

I had the idea that in order to find myself with peace I would have to surrender my thoughts of how the world should be. It’s what Marlo says in The Wire. He says the problem is we want it to be one way, but it’s the other way. 

A simple word, expectation. Expectations are externally linked to external circumstances. I expect people to act in a certain manner, and when they don’t I create all sorts of pain, disappointment, discordance within myself. In other words, my peace takes a hit. 

So here I am, tired and misunderstood.
and I brood, and I cycle through moods,

until, like an old radio, I settle on one.
and it plays, and there’s sound,

and finally, there is something to listen to
and its sounds are unknown, 

and the program is new, 
something unheard,

that needs to be heard, 
and I listen to each word, 

to triangulate it’s origin – and its me.
me. me. me. 

that’s all i know.

Expectations are about me. My own plans for my life, my own goals. I swear, if I could start life over – I just hope that someone teaches me how to say no. So that I don’t listen to the list of open bars near me because that’s not my interest, and I do what I need to do, and move places on my own time. 

No. For peace. 

No I cannot. No I do not. No I will not. No, no, no. No, I don’t need to invest in the stock market. No, I am not concerned about clothes. No, I don’t want to watch a new show. And no, I don’t mean it in a bad way. But I need to say no, so that I can truly say yes. 

My yeses belong to writing now, and swimming. Yes, yes, yes. Tomorrow morning, I want to go swimming. No, tomorrow I will not snooze my alarm for an extra 8 minutes and 59 seconds. I would rather get up when I hear the sound so that I can foam roll at the gym. Then I will swim, and yes. that brings me boundless joy. 

a lonely place

I’m afraid of becoming you, Dad. It’s been so hard to express what I mean to say, but I am afraid to end up in your circumstances, away from my children, beginning a life anew away from the one I created. What did you pray to your God when you learned that you could not hold us that night? When you learned that you will miss birthdays, first everythings, graduations, how did you react? See, that’s what I am afraid of. Not that I will end up alone, perhaps stranded in a limbo of neither here nor there, but that I will end up on the outside peering in. That I may one day be standing outside of the house where Christmas is being celebrated, and my children, my person, are no longer mine – and Christmas is no longer holiday. 

See, this fear lives inside of me – as a mark of abandonment. I grew up not really loving you, and at times resenting you. You were gone. That was all that I knew. That in the mornings, when we got up to get dressed, there was hardly ever breakfast, and there was never ever you. We rushed to grab hashbrowns at McDonald’s outside of my mom’s job. She bought me the newspaper so I could play sudoku and read about the world. We slept inside of the Montero, with the leaky roof, and the poor insulation, so my sister had to blast the heat. 

I’m afraid of losing what I still don’t have. What kind of fear is this? But understanding that so much is out of our control, and that because I never saw you fight, I never learned to fight. Did you give up on my mom? When the problems came, did you not put up a fight? I have been called out already for that, that I didn’t fight. It’s hard to understand why – and yet, I see you sometimes and you look happy. That perhaps I think it was meant to happen that way, you and mom would separate. 

All I can say is that I wasn’t there for the beginning. She was 15, you were 26. There were witnesses at this wedding. A different time, a different world entirely. But then my sister came, and shortly after me, then the separation. They say you struggled to be an adult. I struggle too. I don’t always brush and floss my teeth, but I never considered it a crime. I pay my bills mostly on time, but I forget to clean the dishes. I try so hard to be perfect, so that I don’t end up like you. So that my child, that has not yet been born, does not end up like me, like my sister did. 

But is it even in my control? I mean, what more can I do? And what advice do you have? What advice could mom have? You guard me from my history like it isn’t my right to know, so that perhaps I can avoid those errors. 

What was there to learn?

Did either of you 
ever pause to reflect? 

or did you become stuck 
in the cause and effect? 

The reason was him, 
the reason was her. 

You keep on down this road, 
and the past is a blur. 

Soon, truths become lies, 
and lies become truths, 

and no one can tell 
one from the other. 

Whose story do I believe? Maybe you are both right, and likely, you were both wrong. But it was more important to be right, even when you were wrong, and even now that sounds so damn wrong. Didn’t it matter to stay together? Couldn’t you wait for her to grow? Why’d you make it so hard for her to know that you would be better? There are only so many chances even I would have given you, Dad. 

My mom wouldn’t want me to call you Dad. My mom wouldn’t want me to call you, Dad. No contact – and the friendly reminder that you didn’t raise me, that you didn’t ever buy me school supplies, or a t-shirt even. She did so much, but she ruined all hope that you would come back one day. That you would come sit with us on the couch, that you would maybe hold her hand, and that I could see what love should look like from a couch cushion away. 

Now I can only imagine, basing the love on what I’ve read. Now I hurt the woman I love, and I become a coward – afraid of the day when I give up too soon. Afraid because some days I only want to hide under my sheets, deep under these blankets, and I don’t want to face the world. No, not like this. I want to run away from my destiny. I want to hide away and retreat. And will I do this to my junior? Will I cower when she needs me most, and then say that I am going through things? Going through things? You arrogant, insolent, bastard. Everyone is going through things. To be a father, it means you have to be there. Even when it is hard to be there. 

I don’t know how to be there. I haven’t learned this yet. I wish you would have taught me. I wish I could ask you why you left, why you let it happen this way, that I could judge you for what circumstances you don’t claim. 

It’s life. The turns of life. The misguided turns and turns and turns that leave you right where you began. Alone. 

Over in a room in a house in the Bronx, I am 4, maybe 5 years old. I watch Dragonball Z and drink nesquik sweetened milk from a nursing bottle. I am freshly bathed, loved, nurtured, and laid to rest. My eyes will close, and I will dream those vivid dreams that I have always dreamt. 

In my mind, theres a world 
free from time 
free from space, 

and in that world I venture
off to the farthest place

A place far from home, 
where nothings real
and nothings fake. 

A place where I’m alone. 

A place, a lonely place. 

I swim, I read, I write

Yesterday, I finished reading The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield. It has been a really long time since I finished reading a book from cover to cover, and this is my second reading of this particular book. In The War of Art, Pressfield speaks about resistance – a powerful force that prevents us from chasing our dreams. Actually, not only does it prevent us, it sabotages and deludes us. My dream is to be a writer, to express myself through the written word, and for 28 years, actually less when you think about it, I have told myself that that’s what I am despite not actually writing at all. 

Months would go by, and the pages would stay blank. Nothing productive would come despite having bursts of inspiration. I have a collection of half-written songs, stories never finished, and dialogues that lead nowhere. I wonder what could be if I continue to dedicate myself to writing daily, to simply showing up where I have to be, at a given time, on a consistent basis. 

The things that I am scared of facing right now, I call them the truth. Either I do want to be an officer in the Navy, or I don’t. If I do, then I have to write a motivational statement. I have to express why I want to be a leader in the Navy, what I can offer as a leader in the Navy, who I will become. My leading bargaining chip is consistency – every day I wake up at 0430 and I am at the gym at 0500. I work out with calisthenics, then I swim. I shower at the gym, and then I get ready for my day. Every day, without fail, I sit down to write. I write down my thoughts, my plans, my visions, my strategy. At the end of each week, I grade myself and make course adjustments. By learning to manage my life, I learn how to direct my circumstances and take command of my legacy. I set aside 1 hour to read. There could hardly be anything more valuable than making yourself smarter. 

Those are my three things. I swim, I read, I write. I build my entire life around these three activities, and I self-reflect to cultivate the all-important self-awareness. My life has shifted toward the side of routine and discipline, in there I have found freedom. 

People think that you lose a lot when you become disciplined. Where is all the fun in your life? Why do you do all of the things you do? The fun begins when you reach a level of consistency with your habits that is sustainable. It begins when you cut off the things you think you love, and you commit to the things you know you love – that you’ve avoided because they are too difficult, or it seems impossible to begin. 

So, resistance has kept me from writing all of these years, and I feel like I finally passed it. Some days, I feel like I’m taking off in the race, creating a gap between resistance and I that it will struggle so hard to overcome. But the truth is, that gap can close in a second. The minute I become comfortable with where I am, with what I have accomplished, resistance will strike. So it is actually very uncomfortable to write every day, to read every day, to try and make it to every swim session. Because I know I’ll miss one eventually, and if I miss two, or three, it will be so hard to bounce back. Resistance is that powerful. I can never underestimate it’s power. 

My life is in Gulfport now. I can’t say I ever saw this coming, but I am embracing it and feeling very present here. Aside from the aforementioned activities, I like to sit and think – oh, and don’t think for a second that I am actually that consistent. Every day means like 3-4 days out of the week. But I strive to be consistent like an archer who can’t miss the bulls eye. 

A tangent – here is something that I noticed, that if you’re inconsistent in your habits, it will show up in every thing else. When you shoot your weapon during weapons qualifications, you miss one or two shots. When you take your exams during classes, you miss one or two questions. When you go for a swim, you miss-time a turn, you breathe a little awkwardly, you leave a tad early, a second late. Consistency, like everything else, takes practice. It takes, more than anything, showing up. 

Back to what I was expressing, I like to sit and think. This is called meditation, but sometimes I watch my thoughts flow and they’re truly wild. One minute I am having thoughts of insecurity. Why is it so hard to trust people? Why do I doubt intentions? What are they doing now? Are they thinking of me? Do they care about me? I have so many thoughts and wonders about so many things that truly do not matter. Then I am future-planning. At the gym, I’m going to squat to day. Later on, I want to get a second swim session, I have to mail Andy’s letter, I have to call Allyson, I have to get dressed to go to work, I have to clean my room, I have to hang my towel and swim shorts to dry. It is hard to be present when there is so much activity in my mind. 

So, by sitting and thinking, I can watch my monkey brain do all of its running around and tossing around and jumping around until it falls on its head. Then he cries for a little while. Then he’s calm and quiet, and I am back to the present. So I sit, and I think, and I wait a little while. Then I am ready, and I move. Being patient takes resolve. It takes practice. But you only get better over time. 

w25 re-cap

Earlier this month, I set my monthly intentions for the month of June, see below. Today, I’d like to take some time to thoughtfully reflect on my progress thus far with my goals.

I’ll be moving away fromI’ll be moving towards
• Netflix, HBOMax, basketball Scores
• running and basketball
• sugar, candy, soda, juice, dairy
• stupid purchases, supermarket sushi, take-out meals
• reading, journaling, meditating, blogging
• swimming, stretching, calisthenics
• water, and fruits and berries
• saving what I earn, paying off cc debt

Giving Up the Internet and Explore Mindfulness

Grade: B-. 

YouTube is blocked, but Netflix remains a threat. I will add Netflix to the list of restricted sites so that I can shift away from the screen and move more towards books, writing, and meditation. I am still following basketball scores, but I am not watching the basketball highlights. This effectively saves about 20-30 minutes per day, or 3.5 hours per week. 

I ended my reading streak on Saturday. However, I have written and published a post 18-days in a row now. I am setting aside 45 minutes each day toward writing, and 15 minutes each day toward meditation. These are going to be good habits to incorporate daily. When I felt anxious today, I thought about meditating, but I never made time for it. Instead, my room is a mess, I got very little done, and I watched way too much Netflix. 

Recommended Action(s): 

  • Add Netflix to list of restricted sites.
  • Add meditation and writing to the calendar. 

Put A Stop to Running and Basketball and Swim More

Grade: C-.

I played basketball for far too long this week, and I ended up injuring myself. I found it hard to get out of bed on Saturday and Sunday, and then I was able to do less than I wanted to do this weekend. In short, I was very unproductive. I have not run in a long time, which I am happy about. 

This week, I foam-rolled and stretched multiple times. I also swam multiple times, and I performed the three lifts in my program; the bench press, the squat, and the deadlift. 

I showed up more than the last week, but I was still not consistent. 

Recommended Action(s): 

  • Add Swimming to the Productive App and Calendar to track consistency. 

Avoid Sugar, Candy, Juice, Soda, Dairy (SCJSD) and Intake Water, Fruits, and Berries (WFB)

Grade: A. 

I went to the market this weekend, and I did not buy any SCJSD. I felt tempted to buy yogurt (my favorite dairy item), but I did not. I also did not buy ice cream. Instead, I bought two containers of blackberries and a container of raspberries. I bought 5 avocados, and my own ingredients for my special salad recipe. 

Water has been my friend. I am hesitant to add water-drinking to the habits that I am tracking because it might make things too stressful for me. I am starting out slow and going at my own pace, but for now I am drinking enough fluids.

Stop Wasting Money/Time, Start Building the Future

Grade: C. 

I did a lot of nothing this weekend. I didn’t make progress on my motivational statement after delaying attending to it throughout the week for lack of time. I wasted the one thing I won’t get back, my time. I purchased a pair of Vivo barefoot lifting shoes which I probably could have done without, but I have already experienced so many feet injuries in the past 2 years that I am hell-bent on not skimping on footwear. Other than that, I haven’t really spent much money, but I have wasted a lot of time. 

Recommended Action(s): 

  • Use your Calendar more. Plan a full day of activities so that you don’t waste your time and find yourself behind with other things.  

Weekly Performance: B-.

This week, I want to focus on swimming and writing. I will track the habit using the productive app, and I will build the rest of my schedule around swimming. Other than that, I will aim for another week of daily blogging.

a lie we tell

that i can hurt you, 

and it won’t hurt me

that i’ll be unscathed 

on your toughest day

that’s a lie we tell, 

although i am not quite sure

if i still believe it

no, not anymore

if i could hurt you, then

that day i’ll learn

that i’m capable of

so much more bad

and to live with that

it will take some nerve,

and the sadness, and

the madness and its all so painful

but when we see one as one

and two as two, and not 

one and two the same

then suffer twice as hard

and love won’t be the same

friendship won’t be the same

family won’t be the same

and all the unions, plain and plain

1=1  2=2  

1=2  2=1

basketball and what ifs

I am alone in my room tonight, and I am thinking to myself. I am thinking about Star Trek, because I want to watch another episode. I also feel very tired from playing basketball at the gym. 

I never knew how to not be competitive, and even if it meant that I could barely walk afterwards I would play my hardest to win a basketball game. My obsession with winning came before my desire to have fun, to enjoy myself on the basketball court. 

It is an interesting thought experiment to wonder about if I did play organized basketball. It was my favorite sport as a child, but my mother was raising my sister and I on her own and I never really got the chance to pursue this dream to play basketball. I am not upset because I learned how to swim and I became an athlete in that way. 

What I would have loved to see is my competitive spirit flourish on the basketball court. I actually did get a chance to try out for the basketball team, but I didn’t think I would make the team and I never went back. Why was I so afraid to even try? Even back then I felt unworthy. 

I am doing a lot of calendar planning now. Beginning with this week, I tried to log my time as accurately as possible to reflect what I was actually doing with my free time, and my time in general. I spend a lot of time going to and from the gym, and I also spend a lot of time doing laundry. If I limiit myself to just swimming on 3 days of the week, and Swimming and lifting on 3 other days. Then I think I can get a lot accomplished. 

I’ll keep tweaking my schedule to find something that works for me.  

in transition

Gradually, I shall grow and begin to take my first steps independently. I will go off into the world, or worlds, to uncover and experience the unknown. Then I shall grow some more. Because experience is a sign of growth that results from exposure. The more that I get exposed to, the more territory I have to work with to learn those truths. 

When I go inward, it is with expectations that I will learn something about myself or achieve inner peace. But I would like to start with no expectation, and go from there. 

When I hear myself talk, throw fits, feel pain, I can tell that it is something of the past that has taken a hold of me. It is a re-appearance of a painful memory which without I don’t know how to live. So the past can be sneaky. 

I wonder why we hold judgments of people for so long, why we can’t just let it go and start fresh. Most people, all they want is to be loved. But it is hard to love and experience love with so many barriers of resentment and anger. At least I find it hard for me. I’d like to experience that one day.

In the Jay Shetty podcast, his guest Scoot begins to talk about a 7-day transformational experience he has had, it’s called the Hoffman Program. It functions like a retreat of some sort, and they explore why we react in certain ways, with certain responses to outer-stimuli. Sometimes it’s a childhood trauma that hasn’t left you, sometimes it’s angst from a previous altercation or disagreement. The point of the retreat, 7-Days, is to re-open those cold cases and find clues of ownership. 

Jocko Willinck talks about ownership as well. A leader must take ownership, they say. But that gets hard, because if my co-worker is annoying me I see him as the problem. The problem is me though, my reaction to his activities. I’m not always aware of that, nor am I always eager to take ownership. My unguarded thoughts, they scare me sometimes.

Speaking of unguarded thoughts, there’s the Truth which I value so much. But if the truth is really that valuable, as in, it shall set you free, then shouldn’t I express more of the truth and not be sometimes selective? What do I mean by this? That when someone asks if I was upset, I bury the upset experience. I say that I am ok. But what if, instead, I say yes. I was hurt by this statement or I was annoyed by the way that turned out because I unknowingly developed an expectation for a possible outcome.

Let the cards fall where they may. Let the outcome be what it be. Some even say, if it’s meant to happen it will. I believe that. The last thing is that I question whether I am ready to lead or take more responsibility for the outcomes of the world. Living in the shadows, and for how long? 

So it’s this, that the things I fear the most are unknown. But once I know them, they’re not really that scary. They’re just fears that have irrationally settled like sedimentary stone. We think, oh, this is just the way the world is. But no, this is the world in transition. This is the world becoming.

ego vs. Ivan (alternate endings)

“If you don’t like it here, you can leave.” That’s what he said to me. 

Work has been tough lately. With my sister in the hospital because of her motorcycle accident, I’ve been taking on a lot more responsibilities. It’s really hard to navigate both stresses of a long work day and the hurt that my family is experiencing. I hear what Ivan is saying, he is probably stressed by upper management and feels that his job is in jeopardy if we don’t work around the clock to produce results. He is saying this, that I can leave, and I feel devalued, but maybe that isn’t what I should feel. I know I am valued because I am trusted with these important projects. I am trusted to fix other people’s mistakes and I can be relied on as a growing member in the team. 

“I like it here Ivan. I am stressed out because of work and my family matters at home. The situation is difficult, is it okay if I start to leave after lunch so I can have time with my family during this hardship?” That’s what I would say to him now. 

When I quit my job at Area23, I harvested so many feelings of resentment, of hurt. Something that stung was hearing my assistant manager Mike tell me that this is the biggest mistake of my life. It wasn’t, and I am happy with my life’s outcome, but I shouldn’t have responded by quitting without notice. In hindsight, it wasn’t fair to the team. And even though I now realize that this environment wasn’t all conducive to growth, I had fostered good relationships with other colleagues there. I worked long days, but we were able to get a lot of things done. We stayed late and came in early, but we were a team. 

How would have Ivan responded if I met his aggression with peace and a resolution to find a positive solution? I don’t know what the answer is to that, but I do know that my ego responded in a way that caused me a lot of hurt and unnecessary anger in the following years. I’ll let that go because where I am now, I don’t want that to be my response. I want to show up and show out for my teammates. I want to bring a positive attitude and humor and peace. So, I’ll let my ego take a backseat. 

warning to my ego, beginnings of the Herzog series

I am trying form a curtain of optimism to shield the bad thoughts. 

Please believe me. I am trying to find hope and write in a language that is optimistic, calming, and peaceful. I want to cultivate peace in my life.

Have I been so conditioned that being peace-loving is impossible? So that to discriminate and antagonize becomes habitual, and I miss it all in passing. But here is a thought: that I see you when you try to work. 

I see you, Ego, in a meta-conscious state I catch a glimpse of you. You were upset today, so upset, because you felt disrespected. How could someone dare make a joke at your expense? Who are they to order you around? You ask all of these questions and no one has questioned you before, but believe me that I see you. 

Why are you hurt? What are you afraid of? The insecurities might have an origin to some event of trauma in the past, but today that is what it is, the past. It is dead now. A thing, and not a thing anymore. But you are not choiceless, you future-plan and anticipate responses. Your boredom is smug, too good for this, huh? 

You pass judgment because he only listens to country music, and when you show him something else he hates it. When you were 19, would you have listened to country music? Probably not. But as the ego, you would take it personal. And you take it personal because you feel that the whole day has slipped away from your hands. Other people’s times, other people’s dreams. Not yours… But what of service? 

I notice your tantrums now. They probably won’t stop, but I just wanted to say that I was aware, and I plan to air out your grievances in the coming days. Then you will help me write a letter to the future self in which you are in a much more subdued role. I won’t kill you ego, but we will re-educate you on your role.