warning to my ego, beginnings of the Herzog series

I am trying form a curtain of optimism to shield the bad thoughts. 

Please believe me. I am trying to find hope and write in a language that is optimistic, calming, and peaceful. I want to cultivate peace in my life.

Have I been so conditioned that being peace-loving is impossible? So that to discriminate and antagonize becomes habitual, and I miss it all in passing. But here is a thought: that I see you when you try to work. 

I see you, Ego, in a meta-conscious state I catch a glimpse of you. You were upset today, so upset, because you felt disrespected. How could someone dare make a joke at your expense? Who are they to order you around? You ask all of these questions and no one has questioned you before, but believe me that I see you. 

Why are you hurt? What are you afraid of? The insecurities might have an origin to some event of trauma in the past, but today that is what it is, the past. It is dead now. A thing, and not a thing anymore. But you are not choiceless, you future-plan and anticipate responses. Your boredom is smug, too good for this, huh? 

You pass judgment because he only listens to country music, and when you show him something else he hates it. When you were 19, would you have listened to country music? Probably not. But as the ego, you would take it personal. And you take it personal because you feel that the whole day has slipped away from your hands. Other people’s times, other people’s dreams. Not yours… But what of service? 

I notice your tantrums now. They probably won’t stop, but I just wanted to say that I was aware, and I plan to air out your grievances in the coming days. Then you will help me write a letter to the future self in which you are in a much more subdued role. I won’t kill you ego, but we will re-educate you on your role.

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