in transition

Gradually, I shall grow and begin to take my first steps independently. I will go off into the world, or worlds, to uncover and experience the unknown. Then I shall grow some more. Because experience is a sign of growth that results from exposure. The more that I get exposed to, the more territory I have to work with to learn those truths. 

When I go inward, it is with expectations that I will learn something about myself or achieve inner peace. But I would like to start with no expectation, and go from there. 

When I hear myself talk, throw fits, feel pain, I can tell that it is something of the past that has taken a hold of me. It is a re-appearance of a painful memory which without I don’t know how to live. So the past can be sneaky. 

I wonder why we hold judgments of people for so long, why we can’t just let it go and start fresh. Most people, all they want is to be loved. But it is hard to love and experience love with so many barriers of resentment and anger. At least I find it hard for me. I’d like to experience that one day.

In the Jay Shetty podcast, his guest Scoot begins to talk about a 7-day transformational experience he has had, it’s called the Hoffman Program. It functions like a retreat of some sort, and they explore why we react in certain ways, with certain responses to outer-stimuli. Sometimes it’s a childhood trauma that hasn’t left you, sometimes it’s angst from a previous altercation or disagreement. The point of the retreat, 7-Days, is to re-open those cold cases and find clues of ownership. 

Jocko Willinck talks about ownership as well. A leader must take ownership, they say. But that gets hard, because if my co-worker is annoying me I see him as the problem. The problem is me though, my reaction to his activities. I’m not always aware of that, nor am I always eager to take ownership. My unguarded thoughts, they scare me sometimes.

Speaking of unguarded thoughts, there’s the Truth which I value so much. But if the truth is really that valuable, as in, it shall set you free, then shouldn’t I express more of the truth and not be sometimes selective? What do I mean by this? That when someone asks if I was upset, I bury the upset experience. I say that I am ok. But what if, instead, I say yes. I was hurt by this statement or I was annoyed by the way that turned out because I unknowingly developed an expectation for a possible outcome.

Let the cards fall where they may. Let the outcome be what it be. Some even say, if it’s meant to happen it will. I believe that. The last thing is that I question whether I am ready to lead or take more responsibility for the outcomes of the world. Living in the shadows, and for how long? 

So it’s this, that the things I fear the most are unknown. But once I know them, they’re not really that scary. They’re just fears that have irrationally settled like sedimentary stone. We think, oh, this is just the way the world is. But no, this is the world in transition. This is the world becoming.

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