basketball and what ifs

I am alone in my room tonight, and I am thinking to myself. I am thinking about Star Trek, because I want to watch another episode. I also feel very tired from playing basketball at the gym. 

I never knew how to not be competitive, and even if it meant that I could barely walk afterwards I would play my hardest to win a basketball game. My obsession with winning came before my desire to have fun, to enjoy myself on the basketball court. 

It is an interesting thought experiment to wonder about if I did play organized basketball. It was my favorite sport as a child, but my mother was raising my sister and I on her own and I never really got the chance to pursue this dream to play basketball. I am not upset because I learned how to swim and I became an athlete in that way. 

What I would have loved to see is my competitive spirit flourish on the basketball court. I actually did get a chance to try out for the basketball team, but I didn’t think I would make the team and I never went back. Why was I so afraid to even try? Even back then I felt unworthy. 

I am doing a lot of calendar planning now. Beginning with this week, I tried to log my time as accurately as possible to reflect what I was actually doing with my free time, and my time in general. I spend a lot of time going to and from the gym, and I also spend a lot of time doing laundry. If I limiit myself to just swimming on 3 days of the week, and Swimming and lifting on 3 other days. Then I think I can get a lot accomplished. 

I’ll keep tweaking my schedule to find something that works for me.  

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