a prayer

Dear God, 

Give me strength today to accept my past, and to accept the moments where I have felt insecure and insignificant. These moments are a part of my life history, but they should not mean any more to me than they do. I am a person who loves, dreams, and breathes curiosity, but sometimes the past gets too heavy and it weighs me down. Let me empty my backpack in which I carry the memories and dialogues that haunt me. Let me release these heavy thoughts, and make space for lighter ones of peace. 

God, I want to love again. I don’t want to resent. I want to feel joy, purity, and peace. I want to smile when I wake up, and I want to forgive. I want to appreciate the beautiful life that I have, the work that I get to experience, the people and art. You have created a beautiful world for us to be kind. There are kind people out there. Show me the way to them.

Bring forth the calmness. Release the need. 

Bring forth the certainty. Abandon the doubt.

Bring forth the confidence. Examine the shame. 

There is emptiness inside of me. I know it. I see it. I feel it. These voids are indecipherable, but God has the answers. I need your strength to go into the darkness. The darkness is temporary and unavoidable. In a room of darkness, you must search for the switch that will bring the light. 

This transition will take courage, but I will be here every day, and I will write. I will write. Then I will write. Then I will write some more. 

dealing with change

What do we do with the knowledge we have? 

People sitting in cars waiting for traffic lights to change from red to green. The anticipation, and sometimes frustration, grows with each passing second. Like watching sand grains squeeze through the smallest portion of a sand-timer, you can see the individual grains falling to the heap below. Time freezes, or so it seems. When the lights change to green, the people respond in the same way – flex your right foot to advance to the next juncture. Predictability appears.

Then it continues, whether at work or at home, we enter a scenario – a forced pause of the computer booting, and the username appearing with a blank password slate – that forces us to stop and make a decision. What do we do with the knowledge we have? 

We go. We enter password. We start new doc. We cook the dinner. We interpret. We talk. We judge.

Ever since the days of Ape-dom, we have done something with the knowledge we acquire. We gossip, to spread it all. Did you know Adam and Eve used to live in the garden of eden? Did you know that they were banished from there and they might never be allowed in again? 

But that’s just the way we are, and the world can be a cold place. Today, I thought about people struggling with addiction. The hardest part of addiction has to be for the people you let down. People who will do anything to see you well again, free from the chains of your toxic attachment, are having to witness your suffering. There is nothing they can do, say, anticipate to make an addict stop. Not even hitting rock bottom will sometimes help to stop?

And what happens after? Things do not go back to the way they once were. They change and now you know that this is something you have dealt with and will struggle with as part of life. You now, in proverbial terms, walk with a limp. 

I heard the phrase said, never trust a leader without a limp. The people you want leading you through shit, are the ones who have been through so much of it. 

Here’s a bonus phrase: When you’re neck deep in shit, do you duck when they start flinging baseballs at you?

The point is, once you know something, it’s on you to act and change accordingly. So, there may be time for some changes now. I’ll happly oblige.