nightmares again

The nightmares persist, interrupting my sleep as I come face-to-face with infidelity or an anxious disagreement. We’re yelling at each other because you seem to be sending him messages, crossing boundaries that I assumed were established. It is easier to be alone. Looking back, when you asked about the times I was sad. I noticed I was sad because of my relationships. Relationships without trust are a personal hell. Man-made, and the result is nightmares, anger rushing to the surface, taking charge as the dominant emotion. 

The articles about insecurity that I read tell me about the dangers that lie ahead. But trust isn’t learned from a book, and more and more I start to question whether peace is learned from a book either. Peace is cultivated, lived. Though it takes time to attain a level of peace that you can feel comfortable. 

I don’t know if I will ever have peace or comfortable sleep in which I don’t face nightmares. But certain attitudes don’t work for me, being scatter-brained, shooting blanks into nothing and hoping to hit, living careless about the outcome. That’s where people make mistakes sometimes, and movies glorify this sort of thing. As if chance were reliable. Chance is chance, almost a mistake, most of the time luck. 

If you want some sort of happyness, you have to be intentional, willing to ask questions and look in the mirror. Sometimes I need to be alone. I need to feel like I have the space to examine these questions, because otherwise I end up overwhelmed with my decisions. Am I doing the right thing or the wrong thing? But things aren’t as black and white as that. The real question is am I acting in a way that fits in accordance with my nature, or maybe it doesn’t fit with who I am. 

But I don’t want to leave it up to chance. It doesn’t mean a whole lot when you do. I wish people would think of this more, that it’s worth so much more doubling down on something than it is to replace it. The key, and this is a big thing to consider, is that you may be wrong and end up with nothing. But this is only a problem if you are more concerned with outcome than you are with process. 

I’ve written and thought about this a lot. The outcome is unimportant – how much money? Married/divorced? Together/alone? Unimportant is too strong, maybe. The outcome is less important than feeling like you are earning a living honestly, and that you are making a difference in people’s lives. Whether you are married or divorced is a consideration that should be thought of only after you answer the question are you acting out of love. Am I marrying you out of love. Am I moving in with you out of love. No one wants to be partnered with out of obligation. And sometimes it’s better to be alone, and sometimes its better to be together.

But you. You have to think about what works best for you. And the nightmares and insecurity – how much does it bother you to feel that you are being lied to? How much does it affect you to feel that there is someone else your partner might show interest in? These are powerful questions. 

Now think, are you lying to yourself? Is there someone else you are placing above yourself? Love yourself. Know that you are good enough. Know that you are enough. Then dream for bigger things. 

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