day x day

The things on my mind that are hardest to forget are the ones that I will search for and make peace with. It’s not easy living a life hampered by insecurity and jealousy. I wouldn’t even call it living. 

Sometimes, I’ll read the title of this blog. Maybe I meant it in some ironic sense, happy person. Because a person like myself has come to know so much sadness. So much so that sadness then becomes a habit, more a way of life than a feeling. More an attitude than an emotion. Sometimes being alone makes me sad, but I didn’t realize that me not placing an importance on connecting with others is causing me to be alone. I am shutting people out, and then I am complaining that people don’t come near.

It’s difficult to view these circumstances like an outsider would. Someone could have probably pointed this out to me, but when you’re living in your own thoughts and feelings you don’t see much farther than those very same thoughts and feelings. But I think, and I feel, that I can truly be a happy person if I decide to cultivate happy thoughts. 

Maybe it will come in the form of the literature that I read, maybe it will come in the form of the people that I choose to connect with, maybe it will come in the form of the activities that I choose to spend my time engaged in. Swimming is one of those activities that brings the ultimate joy. A month away from swimming, and I felt some anxiety plunging back into the water. For a moment, I hesitated and second-guessed. But once I felt the water, I took the plunge and submerged myself entirely.

The feeling that I get when I’m underwater and release all of my air is out of this world. And when I swim down the lane, I feel like I’m flying. Tomorrow morning, I want to go back into the pool to swim. I’m going to wake up at 04:30, and then I’ll be at the gym by 05:00. I’ll do some yoga and stretching, and then I’ll go swim at 06:00. In my opinion, a happy person makes time each day to swim. So that’s why I’ll swim. 

But also writing. No matter how poor the writing seems to emerge, writing is such a big part of who I am, and it is a disservice to myself and the world if I let writer’s block stop me from expressing my thoughts through writing. It doesn’t take me much time to write a few words, and I think the practice of writing daily is also like meditation to me. I feel connected to my words, thoughts, and emotions when I write and publish on my blog. In September, I have been pretty diligent with my writing. It can only get better. Until tomorrow. Good night!

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