being alone and sad

I can’t explain it sometimes, to people who ask, why it is that I feel so sad and the days end so abrupt. It’s a loneliness that isn’t remedied by company or attention. When I come to think of it, it doesn’t seem to be remedied at all. Sometimes it goes away briefly, as if it’s stepping away for a bathroom break, it’ll be right back.

Truthfully, there is more to the sadness. I feel stuck, with no where to go, missing the will to change my circumstances. I don’t know if I am just hopeless at this point, but I just miss a certain part of my life that’s gone missing. The joy and energy to get up in the morning to go run, or go do pull ups, replaced with more screen time – as my only escape.

I’m alone, yes. I’m also sad. Sad and scared, because most recently I ideated. Ideation, it always seemed an obscure thing – do people really think about harming themselves? And though I doubt I’d ever follow through, the thought of it scares me. Why did those thoughts creep into my head. My mom had to deal with me too, my struggles with low confidence – where did that start? How shall that change? How much time until I’m fully realized, or until I realize I’m alright just as I am. I’ll be writing again. Why did I stop? Just because I’m alone and sad. But that’s when I should write. Even if it’s to get this crap out of my mind.

Time is moving – I’m happily getting to bed earlier than I was accustomed to. That’s been a welcoming change. And off to bed I’ll go.

But before I leave –

I’m grateful for you mom, Caroline, Kathy, Jeffrey, Nelson, Jojo.

I’m grateful for the food on my plate, for the sheets that bring comfort and warmth.

I’m grateful for writing this post – getting out my thoughts – clearing my mind.

I’m grateful to be alive, even when I didn’t understand why.

so far gone

It’s a little too late now – for me to start caring about how anyone else is doing or feeling. This anger that boils inside me has finally boiled over as I slip into the depths of despair, loneliness, frustration, despondency.

I am becoming that person who hates everything. A grinch in the making, and its because of people who feel that they can do and say whatever they feel like it. Stick their middle finger out. Speak over me. Talk over me. And now I am here. Alone. Close to midnight, but maybe this is exactly where I need to be. Rather alone than in bad company. A thing they’d say in the Dominican Republic. “Mejor solo que mal acompaƱado.”

And what is solo? What is alone at this point? Do I live alone? Yes. Do I eat most meals alone? Yes. Do I watch the shows alone? Study the books alone? Read the quotes alone? Write the blog alone? Yes. Yes. Yes. This isn’t a novelty. It is perhaps my late realization that all of this time I have been under the illusion that I am not alone. But tonight, I sleep alone. And tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up alone. I will throw on my uniform and walk myself to where I need to be. All alone.

Don’t ever pretend like you know what it’s like. The despair of a Sunday night.