so far gone

It’s a little too late now – for me to start caring about how anyone else is doing or feeling. This anger that boils inside me has finally boiled over as I slip into the depths of despair, loneliness, frustration, despondency.

I am becoming that person who hates everything. A grinch in the making, and its because of people who feel that they can do and say whatever they feel like it. Stick their middle finger out. Speak over me. Talk over me. And now I am here. Alone. Close to midnight, but maybe this is exactly where I need to be. Rather alone than in bad company. A thing they’d say in the Dominican Republic. “Mejor solo que mal acompañado.”

And what is solo? What is alone at this point? Do I live alone? Yes. Do I eat most meals alone? Yes. Do I watch the shows alone? Study the books alone? Read the quotes alone? Write the blog alone? Yes. Yes. Yes. This isn’t a novelty. It is perhaps my late realization that all of this time I have been under the illusion that I am not alone. But tonight, I sleep alone. And tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up alone. I will throw on my uniform and walk myself to where I need to be. All alone.

Don’t ever pretend like you know what it’s like. The despair of a Sunday night.

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