being honest with myself

It more often than not feels like it sucks to be me lately. I have frequently given up on routines, habits, and activities that benefit me. In exchange, I have opted for things that don’t benefit me and shift me away from where I ultimately want to be. This matters because life can be boiled to just that, the choices that you’re making every day.

Are you going to bed before 9 pm, or are you going to fill your day with some activity? Are you going to make it to the gym, or are you going to stay in and watch Netflix, HBO, or play the Nintendo Switch? Are you going to make your salad, or are you going to eat fast food just because its made quicker? Sometimes the choice is not obvious. I end up playing Switch, not in place of going to the gym. I don’t see it like that. But that’s ultimately what it is.

I’ve gotten mentally weak. I’ve dealt with a lot, sure, but if I’m honest with myself that’s the biggest malady that’s overcome me. Being unable to stick with things when they get hard, being unable to focus on finishing a book in completion. My mind drifts towards something else and there I go chasing.

It’s hard to understand why this keeps happening. But it seems that some conditioning has taken place. When I listen to music, I often skip songs too. I find myself rewinding back through audio books, and it seems that even when I’m here, I’m not really here. How does this inability to focus affect my relationships? Well, I’m not a 5-star partner, son, brother, or anything, even a friend. I barely talk to my mom, my sister, and my girlfriend gets the most attention at barely 15-30 minutes a day.

We each have 24 hours in our day. The universal constant shared by Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and myself. That list pretty much ends there, but I have to question how am I spending my time if it’s not doing the things that I love or with the people I love. I can’t even say that I have been writing on this blog consistently. I haven’t kept a journal, or been reading or running very often. In fact, if you don’t count the last two days, I haven’t done any of the things that purportedly bring me value. So, if I’m honest with myself, things need to change in a major way. That’s what I’m working on.

Here’s to hoping the focus remains in the midst of hardship or the oncoming of bad news.

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