whoa, it’s me

I am convinced that there is a structural pattern to my moods, such that I am most optimistic towards the beginning and ends of the month and I hopelessly dread the middle. It could be due to the fact that I am very goal-oriented. I have often lost sight of the journey while focusing on the destination. Wisdom states that there is far more beauty in the journey. Why, then, is that beauty so hard for me to see?

The destination is unquestionably certain. The certainty with which we can assert that we have arrived is comforting, exhilarating. After working so hard at something, uncertain if it will materialize, that notice of arrival is like the hug you receive from your loved one after the hours of driving. Can you name a more comforting feeling?

Right now, all I wish is to be able to hold Caroline in my arms. I want her to cuddle in towards me, but the journey states that thousands of miles will have to be crossed before that can happen. How frustrating that can be, but in a highly characteristic end-of-the-month perspective shift, I want to change one thing about the way that I view these circumstances. I am proposing something simple, that the “woe is me” mentality for one day be “whoa, it’s me!”

Because two things can occur, I can finally discover that the cause of my misfortunes and poor attitude is not something external, like I believed. It’s not the fact that she’s not here right now. It’s not anything to do with my circumstances at all. It has all to do with how I am viewing things. In a Hollywood-worthy plot twist, with a Eureka howl, I see that all along it’s been me. My attitude. Whoa, it’s me!

But aside from that, from figuring out that I can be the problem, I can also see this. That the miracle of life is still present. Shucks, at least I’m alive. So, next time I look in the mirror, hopefully, I can at least feign surprise. Whoa, it’s me! Here still. Just one day older. And with a dim-witted smile, I can show thanks for that gift of life.

Well, now we get to wrap up the year. 2021 is in its final stages. I’ll set new goals for December, and I’ll try to get some rest by getting into bed by 9 pm every day.

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