meet me at the edge of despair

I don’t know where to search, God. I feel so lost, so alone without my mother, her smile, the strength that I would feel around her. Resentment and fear has driven us further apart. The only metaphor I find fitting is one that can explain the way bodies drift in ocean water. Slowly, imperceptibly, away from one another. 

I feel alone. I want to cry. Why can’t I cry? I question who I have become – a jealous man. I don’t trust my own girlfriend to love me, to choose me, and surely that’s a reflection of how lovable I find myself. I live as if I am already at the door, and maybe this means nothing. Maybe the whole of life is a nothingness that can never be explained, figured out. But please, help me be happy. Help me find contentment in the relationship that I have. 

I look elsewhere. If not here, than maybe I’d find love elsewhere, in someone with similar values. But I am loved, and I feel love, and small disagreements shouldn’t drive us apart. Small disagreements and jealous thoughts. 

My resentment has grown. My resentment towards my mom especially. Perhaps for birthing me and wishing she hadn’t. Are we all just hurting right now? My quest for perfection is also full of self-hate. I don’t want to be great, I work so hard to not be a failure. This idea that I began as a failure. That I would need to be ambitious in order to change the narrative. 

I subscribed to these ideas. I paid to have them injected into me. So that I could be interesting, so that boredom would not make a home here. In turn, I have landed in a state of deep sadness and depression. I feel alone again. Where are you god? Do you still watch upon us, or have we shown you enough? That we may never be the way you intended us to be. Have you moved on to other worlds?

I wonder that, people move on. I am still holding on, but that moment has passed. Jealousy lingers from a conversation that took place at the university cafeteria. Who knows what I ate that day? Or what I wore? What I should I still hold on to that bitter moment? Please, let me find freedom from this despair. Let me stop wasting my life away, always distracted, following sports, playing games, listening to music, watching porn, absorbing ideas that don’t move me. So lifeless it seems, this path I have chosen. And I need to come out of it soon. 

My eyes feel tired. My eyelids like heavy curtains they droop. I live to be face to face with this screen or that screen or another. There is nothing in this black mirror. Except hatred and disgust, for myself. Except pain. Please give me room to grow God. I don’t want to be pained anymore. I need help. I need you, and I need my mom, and I need my grandmother, and I need my girlfriend, and I need my sister, and my friends. I don’t need any more screens. I need sleep every night, to wake up refreshed, without pain or injuries, without a feeling of emptiness that needs to be filled. 

Please help me find help. I need help. I need to be saved.

One thought on “meet me at the edge of despair

  1. Hi Ledimir, I came across your blog while searching for another one with similar name. I am sorry you’re going through a dark phase, if I may call it that. Having experienced depression all my life, i understand what you’re going through.
    Hope it’s okay if I share some takeaways from my experience – sometimes the hardest part of it all is accepting certain aspects of our life. I had a very difficult time disconnecting from my parents because the relationship was nothing but toxic or accepting the fact that people you were closer to in the past, may not understand you any longer. All my life I was dependent on my family, for everything. To be an adult now, and to realise the relationship (especially with my parents) is not serving me any good instead it continues to pull me into this dark abyss, has been the hardest part. I kept going back to them, for reconciliation, to forgive but in return receiving only more wounds to heal. The toughest journey sometimes has to be walked alone. Though the loneliness and sadness can overwhelm us, we must not give up. There has been innumerable mistakes, regret and guilt, but I’ve come to the conclusion that no one is going to come pick me up. if I need help, I need to get up and find some help.
    I think we know deep down which path to choose, sometimes listening to that voice is the hardest part. You sound like a wise person, aware of your feelings and is able to articulate it so beautifully. I’m sure you’ll get through it, like you’ve done before. good day! =)

    Like

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