monday night and loneliness

As I navigate new territory in personal development, I must remember why I have chosen this path. Loneliness is an incessant pest, hovering over my shoulder, watching and in some ways dictating my every move. I sit in my car for 15 minutes before I decide to head into the gym. With self-esteem also low, I become available to help others. Wishing to earn praise, love, but failing to earn respect. Respect, like love from other people, will only arrive once I first prioritize it and deliver it to myself.

Today I tried to study on my own, and I froze. I failed. I am in no state of mind to make public appearances. Right now, today, I want to lay low – draw no attention. I don’t seem to like myself anymore, but that’s ok. This storm shall pass.

In the dryer, my laundry sits. I will go collect it. I may fold it, I may not. But what I do want is to get up tomorrow at 4 am and go run. For god’s sake just go out there and place one foot in front of the other. In some ways, this is healing. As ugly as it seems, I have survived one day alone and tomorrow will make two. Let’s give it a few more days and I’ll be used to this.

My temptation to reconnect with people should be seen as a threat right now, for what I lack most is self-love. That is not an external finding. It is something wholly internal. I must have so much love to give, if only I could find it for myself. I’ll keep looking.

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