finding me

Up until midnight, that’s when I put my phone down for some sleep. I tried my hand at some meditation with Headspace, but my mind was more focused on instagram. I don’t know why, but after deleting the app for one day, I bypassed my restrictions in order to download it again. I realize it’s a coping mechanism. I feel dumb when I read. I can hardly focus on a book for more than 2 minutes. That is an overestimate. It’s gotten that bad. So, when loneliness strikes and the gym is not an option, I go find solace in the digital realm.

That also meant that I wrote yesterday. Thankfully. Because that is a good thing. At least I can say that these difficult times left something behind. Sometimes I go back and analyze what I have written, I can remember exactly what I was going through at the moment that I wrote those things down. Other times, I have no idea. But I am happy that I wrote something on that day. Like I am on this day.

I woke up at 0430 today. I promptly went for a run and I was back in my room by 0500. I ran 2 miles in a span of 20-something minutes, but my legs felt heavy. Even when I try to run fast, it’s like I can feel the fat on my legs and the energy isn’t there. I hope it comes back. I’ve always had the vision that I would run marathons in my 30s. That would be who I am. I have dreams, you know. Sometimes I wonder where the time went, when it feels like I’m lost and I’ve made no progress. More and more I’ve come to think that when people say everything happens for a reason they don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s just a nice thing to say to make themselves feel better.

I don’t see the reason for all of my negative self-talk right now, for the incessant self-critique and self-loathing. But I do see that this path leads only to more darkness. I must snap out of it and write positive thoughts. So, today I must celebrate.

I sold stock yesterday so that I can restart my debt. I bailed myself out! Thanks to me, I will be ok in the future. I ran 4 miles yesterday, and today I ran 2 miles! I ate an avocado and a potato. I played basketball, and I learned that I would be pulled into a new department at work this week. I am energized by this new beginning. I am eager to continue with the work I so thoroughly enjoy. I am going to master this career. Today, I will learn the steps to embark. I will know them front and back and out of order.

Let’s keep an eye open for all that life has to offer.

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