on presence

Over the next few days, I will be traveling for work and I will not be sharing my writing on happyperson. Today, I want to spend some time reflecting on what the past posts have meant to me and how writing has brought meaning to my life.

For the past 16 or 17 days, I have sat down at the end of the day to write down my thoughts. I have experienced some anxiety when facing the empty screen. Sometimes I am unsure of what I would like to write, and I sit down and think. I realize this pause for reflection is where a lot of my ideas spring from. It is a moment of intentionality, to think of what I would like to communicate to whoever the reader is on the other side of the screen.

At times, I feel I have nothing to say. I stare blankly, feeling as if I have said all there is to say. But we know this is never the case, and sometimes it all comes gushing out of me as my fingers glide tirelessly across the keyboard barely able to keep up with my speeding mind. 

Most recently, I have delved into past relationships, moments that live in memory and have even shaped core aspects of my character. Who are we if not the sum of our experiences? In some sense, this is what I hope to communicate through this blog, my experience with life and the articulation of my own self as I learn and understand its origins and purpose. 

I am alone again, and when I am alone I think of what I want to do when it is all said and done. I have come to understand that my knowledge of where I am at is more important than where I am going or where I have been, but I pay so little attention to the present and spend so much of my time floating elsewhere.

When I go for a swim at the pool, I design work outs that I was able to complete in my days as a swimmer at Colgate and at George Washington High School. I design workouts that I will be able to complete after I have swam and regained my strength and refined my technique. But rarely do I design workouts for where I am actually at right now. I am regaining form and I need to be patient with my progress. The same with the Officer package, I need to practice patience and commit to making small changes rather than drowning myself underneath the weight of it all. I can address it all one step at a time, and I will be thankful for it. 

Being present also means being here, locally. I don’t want to be in New York, nor do I want to be in Instagram, in Ukraine, in the NBA Finals. I want to be locally, in Gulfport, connected with the people around me, engaged in my activities, focused on my pursuits. The tighter the leash I keep on my mind, the more rooted I am in my person and what I am currently pursuing. 

I am becoming a good writer, and I am only saying this because I am actually writing. The prerequisite is just that, write words and you are a writer. Over my lifetime, I may become a great writer, and if I am lucky, committed, and consistent, I may become a known writer. 

For now, these words will do, because this is all I have.

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