im a little bit sad

The battles that have brought me down in suffering are the ones I will never forget. As I navigate adult life, I think back to those lessons – those moments when I ambled the streets of New York City with a scruffy beard, not a cent in my pocket, eyes long and droopy, stomache stretched like a pig-skin drum with ribs outlined. I felt hunger, loneliness, a feeling of discontent that I could not evade. But even as my circumstances have changed, and material items abound sometimes to a border with gluttony, I feel the same sadness seeping into my experience of life.

I cannot escape this feeling, and I know that the more I tell myself that the more true it becomes. Today I felt overwhelmed with my tasks, and I sat down defeated, unable to move on. It is hard to call this laziness, because I do what I am supposed to do. I have grown comfortable with not moving until it is time to move. I play a dangerous game with time, daring it to run out on me, declining to accept its impermanence. One day I will suffer my demise, the seeds of my underestimation. Because time waits for no man, and it waits with cold hands.

The other half of it I am dreaming of what could be, what I deep down hope would be. But hope is the falsity that burdens my existence. My friends say that my inability to hold tight to hope is a sign of my own lack of confidence. They try to convince me that I should believe, that I should hold hope that it will work how I want it to. But I find it so hard to believe that. After all, it hasn’t worked that way. And yet, this is the trap. My entanglement with my own self-worth creates a fog that makes it difficult for others to see me for what I am, what I could be, and even though I am dying to show them – at times it is hard. 

The hardest part is waiting for that opportunity. Saying no to what comes in between and waiting patiently for that which you have set your eyes on. I want to say no to candy, to sugar, to basketball, to Netflix, to girls and people I have no interest in. But I don’t. I accept what I am given, maybe because at a point I had nothing. And when you experience the weight of the nothingness, the first something that becomes available becomes everything and more. 

I want to smile again tomorrow. I don’t want to think these thoughts. I don’t want to feel this weight. I want to feel light, excited again. Here’s to hoping for that day. 

3 thoughts on “im a little bit sad

  1. Not sure if the first comment was sent. But show yourself first who and what you are and people will see those qualities too, naturally. And hope is more than self confidence, it’s knowing and trusting that the things you want will happen in its own time because you’re putting in the work necessary. Also, someone once asked me, “Do you feel lazy, or unmotivated?” At that moment I realized the difference of what I was feeling.

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    1. Thank you 🙂 It’s always a work in progress, showing yourself first who and what you are often ends up with me operating in silos. Alone, that’s when a person becomes most vulnerable to their thought patterns, and that’s what I meant when I said that hope seems like a heavy cross to bear. Hope is you telling yourself that things will be fine even in the absence of evidence, and when a lot of judgments are evidence-based this creates a disrupting force. At least for me.

      I would like to practice telling myself that it’s all going to happen soon. My friend often reminds me that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and he is a good friend for that because he notices how I beat myself up and really lack the patience. I don’t feel lazy, but I do feel unmotivated and frustrated. But I will push and be fine. Thank you!!!

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  2. Show yourself, first, who and what you are and others will see it too, naturally. Hope is more than self confidence, it’s trusting that the things you want will be achieved because you are putting in the necessary work. Hope is also knowing nothing happens before its time. Also, someone once asked me, “Are you lazy, or unmotivated?” At that moment I realized the difference in what I was feeling.

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