first memories

The temperature is cold, but I find comfort in the warm bath water in which I will soak tonight. My mother used to tell me that we enjoy warm baths because they feel like the warmth we experienced in the womb. So every time that I take a warm bath, I am seeking my mother’s comfort. 

Maybe that is so, that the things we long for are the ones we first knew. Besides those primal comforts, what else are we actually after? 

The conversations we share, where we discuss our favorite songs, our fondest memories, with someone who has been on their own journey for some years, those are moments that I cherish. And I marvel at that, that somehow the universe conspired to bring us together, each, in our own individual way, has traveled their whole life to meet the other. 

You never know where you might end up in life, and you never know who you might meet. That is the beauty of it all, that somehow it is as surprising as it is expected. 

I remember first meetings a lot. When I first met my friend Wascar, I was learning how to play the game of poker with my friends Jojo and Lolo. He came over and observed my play style, he commented on my patience. He reminded me of my uncle Andy, who taught me a lot about life and has shown that there are different ways to experience it, but one must, for themselves, experience it. 

Today, writing has come easier. The past few days I have struggled to sit down with my thoughts, but this is the case with a lot of things. Some days are easier than others, and some days your thoughts get the better of you. I have many thoughts throughout the day, not all of them are negative, but most are. 

Sometimes I think how I am not good enough, which I write about often on here. But that is not always true, I simply add an ounce of tragedy to the mundane. Because its not always the output that matters, its more often the input, and even the emotions behind the input.

I remember when I met my friend Dana, she was walking to the Quarterdeck to give me a ride to pick up my personal gear issue. While she waited for me, she played Pokemon Go, and in the car ride back she played music. I immediately felt comfortable, and I would always say hi to her when I saw her. It happens when you least expect it, that you meet people who change your life and the way you see the world. And they do this by doing nothing, they merely continue to be themselves. 

When I was given the advice to be myself during college interviews, I didn’t know what that meant. I mean, I understood the statement but I didn’t know who I was. 

I have come to a few conclusions though, I am curious and insightful – a thinker, and I am deeply caring. Some things are hit or miss, but I cannot change those ones that I mentioned. Even if I tried, and I have tried, I end up behaving unnaturally – losing myself in the process of trying to express myself. 

Its the people that make you who you are. My first relationship was as a son to my mother and father. Twenty-nine years later, I am still figuring out how to best serve in that role. 

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