Assessing the Present Situation
I reside in Gulfport, Mississippi. This is where I am stationed and where I have chosen to create my life. I have very few friends, but I have made several acquaintances through my work and hobbies. I have recently become single. I separated from Caroline before the middle of last month, and I do not intend to return to that relationship. I feel lonely at times – I want to search for love. I want to go on hinge, or connect on instagram. I want it to be reciprocated because I am struggling to be alone. I am too connected with the superficial image of relationship and companionship that I eye girls like Sammie and Jess as potential partners, but they are false gods. Basing my desires on a faulty foundation – chasing people, things, way out of my reach, has left me feeling empty, unsuccessful, unlovable.
In times of difficulty, boredom, or loneliness. I turn to porn. I do not write as much as I could. I barely read, though I buy books more frequently than in the past, and I do not study. Porn is a way to fill those empty moments, but the most vulgar way to cultivate the inner spirit. I hate myself for watching it, and I feel scatterbrained, unfocused, tired, and weak after. I must eliminate this vicious habit before it completely destroys me.
I am living in a mess – my digital life is unorganized. I don’t have a clear reading plan, I pick up a book, read a page or a paragraph, and then I switch to another book. I scroll endlessly on instagram, then facebook, then twitter, then strava, then I repeat the process. I realize that those hours add up to between a sixth and a quarter of my life – and in the end, is that something that I would be proud of. I do not feel that I am creating a future – I am slowly, deliberately consuming myself.
I wake up and I don’t floss or make my bed anymore. Sometimes I do, but I lived with an enormous amount of discipline and now it seems that I don’t. But what I lack more is self-respect than discipline.
Yesterday was a difficult day. I don’t like to be around people unless it is conducting business or doing work. Except for the group bike ride that I went on yesterday and the occasions when we play basketball. Maybe the better way to say it is I enjoy people’s company only when their company involves a primary activity that I enjoy. I enjoy basketball first, and people playing basketball secondary.
Accepting the past
Last night I received a text from Diana. I responded to her and the conversation shifted toward why I have such aggression or animosity towards her. It’s simple, there are things that she did in the past that made me feel so unworthy. She slept with one of my best friends. Lied on countless occasions, and I wonder what do you expect from me now. I feel that way about Caroline, in the end, things happened in such a way that I was never able to recover and see and love these women in the same way. I became disillusioned, and now I understand. I do not need to block them. I don’t. But I need to be very clear about where they stand in the hierarchy of important people in my life. At the very bottom. Because I no longer care to understand the past, I no longer try to make sense of it or justify it and while I fully acknowledge that this may not be a representation of who they are as people, I do recognize it as an accurate depiction of how they were in relationship to myself.
Doubtless, I am no saint. But I am also not texting anybody asking for forgiveness or for them to explain why they have such animosity. Frankly, I do not care. But the essence of this piece is to assess the present situation, and while I do not care, the wounds are still fresh.
The wounds remain fresh because they began when I was a 13-year-old kid who fell for Amanda. At 13, I saw a boy slap her butt in front of me in my middle school classes. I didn’t say anything, but it hurt me, and then she left me to date my best friend at the time.
In my next relationship, I fell for a girl named Florangel. But I remember seeing her get carried by a boy in my school hallways, and then she also flirted with a kid that I never knew she would go on to date right after we broke up.
The situation repeated itself. Public humiliation followed public humiliation – Natasha and Jordan who started their relationship a night at a party the day after we kissed. I didn’t understand why she chose him over me. But in that same span at Colgate, I found messages on Diana’s phone asking Chris to go cuddle with her. He sat across from at the dining hall to tell me he fucked her. Kevyn Lee called me to tell me she slept with a boy named Joshua from my swim team. And then the things that happened with Caroline – when she called me by another man’s name, she gave her phone number to another guy while I was with her, and well… things like this are hard to move forward from. The wounds have not healed, and now I need to let them.
Jumping into a relationship would be a huge mistake. Barring that I am afflicted by some fatal flaw that leads me to these relationships, I have little else to provide as an explanation. Things have just not worked, but I have to accept my past and not strive to delete it or block it.
I want to be very clear – do not call me or text me or connect in any way if you have very clearly offended me. For it is my right to tell you to leave me the fuck alone.
Creating the future
The future – what I want it to look like – has to be more organized and compassionate. I need to clearly communicate my expectations on the way I want to be treated. I need to not allow tolerance for disrespect. By learning to love and stand up for me, I am learning to love and stand up for others. For I am no longer defenseless and have no say in what I allow to take place in my life. I have a say. Right now I have the brush in my hand, and this is my canvas.
I want to choose love, free from coercion, free from doubt, free from the hands of others. I want to choose a life without porn – without distraction. In a positive framework, I want to choose a life of focus and distinguished effort in the pursuit of my goals.
In fitness, I want to be faster on my feet, and on the bike, I want to be faster in the water and continue to grow athletically. I want to consume a wholesome diet filled with vegetables, fruit,
In learning, I want to read one book per week. I don’t want to break this habit ever again. Come rain or sunshine, I will read one book each week. I will become a subject matter expert at work. I will cultivate uncommon discipline, and I will treat everyone with respect. First and foremost, I will never doubt my ability to create a valuable product.
In spirituality, I will seek to understand my purpose. I will learn and study my belief systems and question how they have been cultivated and with what purpose in mind. When I feel empty, I will avoid filling the void with basketball scores, tv shows, or internet videos/porn. I will seek to find those answers in contemplation with my own person.
There is more to life than my past. There is a future that I must choose and create.
In April, my intentions are:
- Read 1 book every week (5 books in April)
- Run the 5K on April 15 in under 20 minutes.
- Run the 1.5 mile run for my PFA in under 9 minutes.
- Write in my blog 3 times per week.
- Go on cycling group rides every Thursday at Woolmarket.
- Organize my documents in a manner that makes sense
- Complete my first murder board on April 18. (Study every day until then)
- Cook and prepare my meals at home. Eat more fruit and vegetables.
- Stay away from porn/instagram/hinge and using my phone in general.
- write, write, write
- run, run, run,
- Continue to draw and enforce boundaries.