Month: February 2024

on shame

I’ve thought of all the relationships that I didn’t process. I don’t know what’s happened because I haven’t given myself time to reflect. It’s hard to face the past, and sometimes I feel like I’ve muted that voice in order not to feel pain. But the truth is, I want to cry because I loved Diana, and I didn’t feel like I was enough for her. I didn’t feel like I was enough for Ashley, either, or Caroline, or Cynthianna. And most relationships I felt so small, so unsure of myself, so undeserving of love. Self-esteem had been low, and there were moments and these relationships were in my smallness, how I felt, I allowed the other person to continue to impose their will on me. I didn’t voice what I wanted. I didn’t know what I wanted. I barely knew myself. It was my own insecurity that to a large extent created the situations I was in. I let myself forgive Diana for sleeping with Chris, and then I felt ashamed. I could only call it love, but it was the absence of my own self love that permitted me to remain in a relationship where I felt so unappreciated. when I found Josh’s shorts, or when she confessed me that she slept with Brayan, I didn’t respond in any terrible way. I didn’t feel anything except shame.

Shame, this pervasive emotion that exist only to make me feel small. I felt shame because I didn’t know how to dance. I had two left feet, my mom said. I felt shame because of my big ears. Dumbo ears. I felt shame because of my big teeth. I felt shame when they called me conejo. I felt shame when my sister bullied me growing up, I felt shame when she dug her fingers into my collar to force me into submissiveness. I felt shame when they called me conejo, bunny, because of my big front teeth. I felt shame when my armpits started to smell when we were playing video games in mom’s living room. I felt shame because of my big feet. I didn’t want to be a size 11, nor a size 12, then a size 12.5. I thought when Ivan said I needed to be more vocal if I ever wanted to get a girl I felt shame at my lack of aggression. I never asked Natasha out. I should have. Or not. I felt when she started dating Lami, then Pouchy, then everyone except me. I felt shame when she left me for Jordan on Valentine’s Day. I felt shame when Amanda left me for Miguel. I felt shame when I called Raven to tell her I liked her, and then lied about it the next day at school. I felt shame when Morgan called me ugly. I felt shame when Caroline’s text messages came on the screen. I felt shame for lying about while I left Ashley. I didn’t think I would be happy with her. I started falling for Morgan. I would flirt with Morgan on those trips. I didn’t cheat, but would I? I felt shame when I flirted with Leah in college at a swim team party, and again I didn’t cheat, but would I have? I felt shame because I spoke bad about Wascar to Rory even though he found me a job. I felt shame because I went for Hannah even when Hashim told me he liked her. I felt shame when I tried to date Amy after her and Stephen broke up. I felt shame when Kevyn called me and told me about sleeping with Josh. I felt shame that I shamed her. I felt jealousy, envy, and rage. I feel shame that people thought I was sleeping with Kapua. I feel shame that I didn’t take college seriously. I am ashamed that my grades were so bad. I am ashamed when I have to apply for OCS and request a waiver. I felt shame with Lenny put a knife to me, and when I gave him the pin to mom‘s credit card because I thought he would get me a video game. I felt shame when I got robbed for my cell phone in the sixth grade, I felt weak. I felt shame when the kids smacked me on my neck in the lunchroom. I felt shame when the 11th grader slammed me into the snow, when I got slammed during gym period, when I got stabbed in my back with a key and G dubs. I felt pain. I felt shame. I feel shame when Caroline said I should be more like her sister’s boyfriend Alex. I felt shame when she gave her phone number to a guy outside of the bar. I felt same when she stand naked by the window. I felt shame when she went to party at her neighbors house downstairs. I felt shame when I read she wanted to leave me if I joined the Navy. I felt shame when I saw her messages with Kenny. Why did I stay? Why did I not listen? why did I just let the feelings of shame take over me? Why did I cower? I was so afraid to speak my mind, to say what I felt because I thought it would hurt other peoples feelings. I feel shame to think that way. I almost never put myself first, or eat the last slice, or feel comfortable, saying no. I am ashamed to say no and instead I people please.

I’m capable of so much more in life. I can communicate expectations of how I hope to be loved. I can let go of ideals and ideas. I am worthy of love and acceptance, and I accept and love myself. I will stand up for myself and remind myself, that shame is the biggest delusion. Shame isn’t real. my nose isn’t big, my feet aren’t big. They just are. There’s nothing wrong with any part of me. I am lovable. I am capable. I will be a great leader, because I am a great person. I will be a naval officer once I complete OCS. I will be financially independent. I will nurture and cultivate loving relationships. I will eat healthy and run. I will read good books and study the Bible. I will study for my exams, and choose good partners in the future, good friends, and say no when I don’t want to do a thing.

I forgive myself, and the people who made me feel inferior, weak, insignificant. But I am none of these things. I am strong, capable, lovable, and loving.

I hope I am forgiven for the people that I have hurt, that I have made to feel insignificant, that I have made to feel shame.

the change you can’t see

There is a magic to compounding that makes its effects seem unbelievable. On any given day, you won’t even be sure it exists. Like a sleight of hand, one day you will see something that’s there where it once wasn’t.

It is a feature of the wise and the patient to be able to wait for the magic to occur. The two marshmallow babies. But for the one marshmallow babies, where is the magic? How can we come to see that which we cannot see? I do not entirely know the answer to this, but I can tell you about my experiences lately.

With every salad I consume, I can visualize my internal organs healing themselves. Mmm, tomatoes. Mmm, red pepper. Greeeeeen! I can visualize that the joints that I overwork and stress when I run and place impact on them are feeling nice and lubricated when I eat a can of sardines, naturally filled with essential oils and fatty acids, allowing me to move smoothly, with ease. My skin begins to glow, imperceptibly, ever so slightly when I drink water and it begins to appreciate the hydration it experiences.

In the financial realm, I imagine my money that had once been stale, losing forces in every battle, worn down by a multi-year war with credit card debt, my consumerist habits, and my spending in disregard. The unit, now feeling relief, works hard to grow, and welcomes in new members to its army. Because it doesn’t know when, nor how, but that another war may happen in the future.

I don’t see it all happening, but it is. Every month my net worth grows ever so slightly. When I make my monthly payment for my car of $157, that liability decreases. There is less of that amount that will be subject to the 3.42% APR. Every week, when a $75 transfer to my American Express High Yield Savings Account clears, my ability to withstand an emergency expense increases. We are fortifying! When $316.10 arrives at my Vanguard Roth IRA, when $1,930 arrives at my Thrift Savings Plan, it all grows. We get stronger, more fortified, ready to hold our position.

This is the progress we cannot see, but soon I will have an entire army. Winter is coming, and we will be ready.

Net Worth as of this post: $35,859

a slower way to grocery shop

My shopping cart and my calculator.

Recipes, recipes, recipes… I truly appreciate a good recipe.

My most recent fascination has been with making lentils. I first tasted lentils the way my mother made them when I was a child, and this was my favorite way to have them. But if you’d followed this blog, you would probably be well aware that I didn’t turn out to be much of a cook. In fact, for most of my twenties I ate out at restaurants, experiencing both good stuff and junk. Mostly the junk!

Now, I have challenged myself to change this long-established habit of buying what was immediately available, ie. fast food, meals ready to eat, snacks. I set the goal for myself to cook every meal.

Why cook every meal? For one, there are obvious health benefits to making your own food. But in the 2 months of this exercise, I found one benefit that stands out above the rest. The portion size. My servings are much smaller than a restaurant serving, and my waistline appreciates this.

The second reason is that I save so much money. I never realized that what I ingest affects my income so much, and I can have a direct effect on the latter without starving myself. In fact, I go beyond that and feed myself for days.

Grocery bill for 10 days at less than $50!

In an effort to be more mindful of my spending, I have also made it a practice to bring my calculator with me on my shopping trips. I shop at the Commissary, and for those who don’t know, commissaries are located on military bases and provide a tax-free alternative for grocery shopping. In place of a tax, the commissary charges a flat 5% surplus. So not only do I save on their already discounted prices, but I save on the taxes as well!

Since I know the surcharge amount, I usually allow myself a maximum of $47.50 to spend, and when I total all my items up they will equal $50! Boom, easy peezy.

As I am doing this, sometimes I notice other people looking. Why use a calculator when you can use your phone? The iPhone calculator sucks, and my calculator lets me tabulate the data. So if I decide to remove something later on, I know the amount.

Here are the savings! For my simple lentil recipe, a 1 lb bag of lentils comes in at a whopping $1.97 while the cilantro, red onion, and green pepper can be purchase for less than $4. At $6 I can feed myself dinner for 4-5 nights!

The other ingredients are staples that have lasted me forever, and sometimes I even get them for free. When I helped my friend move out, they were going to dump their olive oil and vinegar, and adobo (I know! This is criminal!), but I took it home instead. The whole starving children thing!

What about the other savings? Well, I save gas when I don’t go eat at restaurants. I save time, as I don’t have to wait for a seat, then wait for a waiter, then wait for a drink, then wait to place my order, then wait to get my food, then eat, then wait to pay, and then on top of that get taxed a tip!

So, no thanks. I enjoy the intentional trip to the grocery store, with my calculator and the opportunity to spot crazy bargains, and mini-ripoffs (read the unit price!). Now cooking has become a major way for me to save, find enjoyment, and develop my culinary skills!

Current Net Worth as of post (15Feb2024): $36,500

Note: I’ll end every post with my Current Net Worth as I continue my goal of obtaining financial independence.

Pausing

Things didn’t work out with her.

But maybe they did, at the moment I am writing after long hiatus and the break up brought me back to writing. Thank you.

She said she didn’t believe we would make it through deployment. I believed her. It was nice while it lasted.

Last night I dreamt about Caroline, the one I loved. I missed her laughs while watching tiktok videos together. I’ve heard she speaks bad about me and compares me to Shane. She says I can be narcissistic, I don’t know what to believe.

I haven’t heard from my mom since January 1. 40 odd days without a word. I heard she says I am a bad son because I do not visit. Because I stay away from home. But has she come to visit me? In 3.5 years, does she have any idea how I have lived? I know the answer.

Life will evolve as it must, and I feel clearly what it is that I have to do. For one, I will embrace being in no relationship. I will read and learn about celibacy, self-loving and care. I will approach life with simplicity.

I have no laptop now so I cannot provide graphs for my net worth. But it’s somewhere around $34,000. It’s rising fast, and there is little debt, about $5,000 for my car and $475 in credit cards.

I have read 16 books this year. By the end of this week I will be at 19 most likely.

I am running consistently, shaving my head every 5 days (and no longer paying for haircuts), and writing in my journal and now my blog.

I will come back to this blog, and I will write more often.

My new mantra: I love myself, I’m proud of myself, I believe in myself. I forgive myself.