Pausing

Things didn’t work out with her.

But maybe they did, at the moment I am writing after long hiatus and the break up brought me back to writing. Thank you.

She said she didn’t believe we would make it through deployment. I believed her. It was nice while it lasted.

Last night I dreamt about Caroline, the one I loved. I missed her laughs while watching tiktok videos together. I’ve heard she speaks bad about me and compares me to Shane. She says I can be narcissistic, I don’t know what to believe.

I haven’t heard from my mom since January 1. 40 odd days without a word. I heard she says I am a bad son because I do not visit. Because I stay away from home. But has she come to visit me? In 3.5 years, does she have any idea how I have lived? I know the answer.

Life will evolve as it must, and I feel clearly what it is that I have to do. For one, I will embrace being in no relationship. I will read and learn about celibacy, self-loving and care. I will approach life with simplicity.

I have no laptop now so I cannot provide graphs for my net worth. But it’s somewhere around $34,000. It’s rising fast, and there is little debt, about $5,000 for my car and $475 in credit cards.

I have read 16 books this year. By the end of this week I will be at 19 most likely.

I am running consistently, shaving my head every 5 days (and no longer paying for haircuts), and writing in my journal and now my blog.

I will come back to this blog, and I will write more often.

My new mantra: I love myself, I’m proud of myself, I believe in myself. I forgive myself.