Tomorrow, I want only to rest – to relax and let my guard down. And I wonder if that is too much of an ask, to be understood at a very human level. 

A loneliness that manifests surreptitiously, slowly – a poison in the heart. It may grow to consume all other thoughts. A cancer, but what I keep reading is that this loneliness is only a kind of story told in which the emphasis is placed not on what is there, the subject, but on what is missing. So the belief is that any story told in this manner should lead to a feeling of expanding void because is the focus is misplaced. 

Actually, I don’t think misplaced is the right word – but the focus is on what is not as opposed to what is. I am not happy. I am just not happy. This expression shows that the missing element is that of happiness. But the mistake occurs when you assume that I am not happy means that I am sad. I can be not happy, and I can be not sad at the time. The absence of happiness does not forewarn that sadness will appear. And while the two are connected, they are not necessarily causally related or correlated. 

And that is what I hope they would understand – the they remaining unnamed, but not out of protection of identity or the unwillingness to hurt someones feeling. But remaining unnamed from a certain disregard toward the effect that naming may actually have. In other words, the name of a subject can sometimes be inconsequential – adding nothing to meaning. 

When we consider things that add meaning – THAT list is shorter than the things that subtract meaning. But what is meaning exactly, and why do we give it so much emphasis?

Is meaning perhaps the symbol of understanding. We seek meaning, and what we seek is confident understanding. Not merely understanding, but understanding that shapes and rewires a thought creation.

The way we form thoughts will forever amaze me. It amazes me now, as I aim to write the words that will allow me to drift into a deep sleep. Think about me sometime, I hope you do.

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